“I really need to go back to church,” I carried this thought in my mind for over 20 years; however, after my first marriage failed, I made destructive choices, destructive to my soul and my example to others. Choices that pulled me away from the teachings of God’s word. I met the woman who would one day become my wife, and though we were not yet married, we moved in together with my three-year-old son, who was in my custody.

I knew enough of God’s Word to recognize my choice was wrong, but I ignored God and spent the next 20 years living in direct opposition to Christ’s teaching. Arrogantly and foolishly thinking that if I died, I could claim ignorance, or use the perceived loophole of justification, that since we had the commitment of marriage, we didn’t need the paper. In my arrogance, I thought that if I came before Christ at Judgment, I’d be able to explain the circumstances that led to my situation, and Jesus would make an exception for me and respond: Oh, that makes sense and not hold me eternally accountable, yet Scripture points out that Jesus will and must treat everyone equally. “Peter opened his mouth and said: “Truly I understand that God shows no partiality, but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him.” Acts 10:34-35.

I was not doing what I knew was right, and by following my own desires, I was dismissing God’s Word, which means I was dismissing God.

There are no words to truly express how sorrowful I am today for these ungodly decisions, and my example during those years, nor for how grateful I am that I lived through them to the point of correction and repentance.

During this time, I deliberately stopped laying claim to the name “Christian” or attending services, thinking that my absence somehow made me less of a hypocrite. I look at these words now and think HOW SAD, how could I have been so foolish? I then avoided Christian friends, influences that might prompt my repentance or lead to any conversation about my salvation. By doing so, I ignored everything I knew to be true about my soul’s condition. I even prayed occasionally that it would not take a major heartache to prompt my return home, thinking I would set things right. However, if I had lost my life during those years, Jesus would have had no choice but to say, “‘I never knew you; depart from me, you worker of lawlessness.’ See Matt 7:21-23

Although I thought, in those early years, that I had faith and believed, my understanding was built on sand; I was no better than the demons mentioned in James 2:19, who believed and feared.

Had I truly understood, as I do today, the gravity of my decisions and the destructive power of my example, I would never have allowed myself that first inch into such a lost position so far away from hope.

Jesus’s message of love and forgiveness does not grant me special privileges in the name of forgiveness. I had no right to ignore His teachings and live as I wanted. Those commands, those teachings we find in Scripture, are there for a reason. I thought I knew God’s Word, but after I returned to the fold, I attended every class I could and discovered how little I truly understood.

I pray that anyone reading this who may be in a similar situation will begin immediately, set it right, and never waver again. It’s comforting to have certainty in our souls’ condition, knowing we will spend eternity with Jesus. 1 John 5:13

Acts 3:17-19, James 4:17, 1 Corinthians 10:11, Matthew 12:36, Acts 2:38, Luke 13:3, 2 Peter 3:9, 2 Chronicles 7:14, Ephesians 5:5, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 1 Corinthians 6:9, Matthew 15:19

God First!